


The War Within

by Ar23n1c



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grey Jedi?, Mental Health Issues, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 14:38:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14917229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ar23n1c/pseuds/Ar23n1c
Summary: Kylo Ren and Ben Solo are two different people.  They are conflicted and afraid and constantly fighting.  But that all changes the moment their goals are alligned.  All because of this girl, a nobody, who is somebody to them.





	The War Within

“You’re nothing. But not to me.” His words lingered in the air. The conflict within them was as tangible as the force. He knew she needed more from him, she was so close to understanding but she would not be swayed.  
“What am I then? What am I to you?” Rey replied. She wanted him to say it. If he did not, he would lose her. They were on the precipice of creating something new. He didn’t know what and he didn’t know how, but he could feel something growing from the force they shared.  
If she needed it, he would give it to her. She had already given him so much of herself, it was the least he could do.  
As he closed his eyes and breathed, he dug inside his mind and searched for the part of himself that he buried years ago. When his fear and pain overwhelmed him, the day he woke to Luke above him with lightsaber in hand. In part, he was always running away. But now, he dragged the corpse of Ben Solo out from the grave he buried him in, and confronted the part of himself. For the first time, the two parts of him existed without a wall between them, no longer compartmentalized. Within his consciousness, the two parts of himself stared at one another, disappointment in both their eyes. And yet, they both had a silent agreement. In order to get the one thing they both wanted above all others they would have to work together. Outstretched, they took the others hand, becoming one. Ben was not as strong as Kylo, but Kylo needed Ben. He was the part of him that still believed in the existence of anything good. Naive, and stupid, but the only part of him that could relate to her on a deeper level. The part of her that had created this force bond.  
When he opened his eyes again, he reached for Rey’s hand with a look of sadness and need that she had only seen once when they spoke in that hut on Luke's island.  
“To me, you are everything.” He said, a tear streaking his face along his scar. “Please, I don't know where to go, or what to do next. The war inside me has just begun, but I know that I can fight this battle, but only with your help.”  
Rey stared at his outstretched hand for what felt like forever. He had fought by her side, killed Snoke to save her, she knew that Ben still lived. Slowly, she gingerly placed the tip of her fingers in his hand. As gently, he grasped her small fingers. They stood there as the moments passed, physically feeling the shift in the air as they eased themselves into this new agreement. Rey smiled at Kylo, and he at her. But the moment would not last long as the ship shook.  
“It's the rebels! We have to go!” Kylo turned and pulled her along with him, his hand still grasping hers, though not tightly enough as he felt her hand slip away.  
“They are the good guys! We can go with them. You can go back to your mother, Ben. She is still alive!” Rey cried over the blaring alarms.  
Kylo was confused but shook away his questions, “No, no! We can't. I have to figure things out. I have to know where I stand. Before I do anything” Kylo paced angry and frustrated, he needed her to understand. Rey could see the truth, the conflict flaring behind his eyes as he tried to process too fast. He wasn't ready. She couldn't rush this.  
Gently, she placed a hand on his shoulder. He immediately turned to her, surprised by the touch that seemed to erase all his confused thoughts and bring great comfort.  
“Ok. We will do this your way. When you are ready. Now...for now we find a place to hide.” Rey reached for his hand and guided him towards the escape pod. Kylo glided as if in a dream across the floor, following her wherever she led. She could be lying to him, she could kill him, but he believed her nonetheless.  
“Thank you.” He said as he took his seat.  
“Don't thank me yet. Let's make sure we get out of here first. By the way,” she stopped pressing buttons and flipping switches, whipping her head around to look at him. “Where ARE we going?”  
Kylo bent over the console and typed in coordinates as he told her, “A place no one will go”.

~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~

Rey piloted in silence as she made her way through the galaxy to unknown territory. She trusted him completely tho, she did not have cause to. Once in a while she would turn to look at his face, unsure of who would be looking back at her. In the moment she chose to go with him, she saw them both, Ben and Kylo. But when she turned to look at him, a blank look on his face as he stared out into the infinite space surrounding them.  
The navigation system beeped steadily as it approached what would be their destination, but there was nothing there. Just ruins of a planet steadily floating in space.  
“Why are we here, Ben?” Rey asked.  
“I’m not Ben.” Kylo stated harshly without looking at her. “Continue forward slowly.”  
She did so, with a huff. He didn’t have to be so rude. What had she expected. His pain still ruled him, he was still Kylo Ren, apprentice of the dark. But he had chosen to run from both the light and the dark to fight the battle in him. That had to be something. Something she could help him with. Luke was wrong. There was something left of Ben inside, she had witnessed his existence more than once.  
As though they were passing through a shimmer of magic, she could feel as the glamor was lifted and they passed into an open sky. She gasped, for what she saw broke her heart. The planet was still there, partially. It looked like a crescent, where part of it had been ripped apart. The part that was still intact looked as if it had been left to die ages ago.  
“What is this place?”  
“It was my home. For a time anyway. This is where I fled after my attempted murder.” He looked at her face to see her reaction. She just kept looking ahead, her brow furrowed in fear and sadness and...he didn’t know what. Compassion?  
“But why is it like that? Destroyed?”  
Kylo reached over her, edging her hands away from the controls. She released, almost as if she were avoiding his touch, the touch she had chosen only hours ago. He moved forward towards an open field, landing.  
“It was an accident. When I first arrived I was angry and without direction. I did not immediately run to Snoke and the first order. I stayed her for many months. I was surprised to find no one inhabited the planet but I found that food was scarce outside of the water, so families must have abandoned it for a more productive land or living.” He led her out of the ship and towards a large mountain at the edge of the field. “I found that I could survive on my own. But I had to suppress the force in order to hide myself from Luke. Eventually I became ill and needed help but my ship was dead and my attempts to reach anyone proved fruitless. When this place was abandoned, it was truly abandoned.”  
Rey continued behind him as they reached a rocky hillside. With the force, Kylo removed them and revealed the entrance to a cave. Inside, it looked to be frozen in time. A small living quarters had been made, complete with a bed, drawers, and a fire pit.  
“I used the force. I had no other option than to reach out, but it had been so long and my power was bottled up too much. When I reached out, it erupted. It was like a shock wave and I could not take the power. When I awoke, I was on a ship. General Hux was there and explained to me that I would have the privilege of meeting the master who had saved my life.”  
She sat on the floor and whispered, “Snoke.”  
“Yes.”  
A multitude of questions bounced around her head, but she didn’t feel the time was right to seek the answers. Though one stood out and seemed safe to ask, “When did you return?”  
Kylo had a small, almost smile, in the corner of his lips. Of course she would put it together. Clever, too clever. It is why he could not pretend, could not go about getting her to come with her without digging up his past. “Some time after I had been in Snoke’s services, a year or two perhaps, I returned. I had left…” he drifted, his eyes glancing to and away from her. “...something of importance here. But I could not find it. In hopes of finding it one day, I preserved this place with a force shield so no one would stumble upon it and take what is mine.”  
She looked at him with that look again, the one he could not place. They sat there across from one another as many moments passed before a heavy breeze came through the cave and chilled them to the bone.  
“We should make a fire and perhaps, a door?” Rey stated pointing to the opening.  
“There is a boulder we can use to shut the cave, we just have to use our strength.”  
“But what if I can’t? I only seem to be strong when I am fighting, or angry or about to be killed!”  
Kylo laughed, a quick sharp sound. As he stood and walked towards the opening. “Then I guess you’ll have to learn.”


End file.
